


Out of my closet (and into yours)

by Mellow_Park



Category: VIXX, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Cha Hakyeon | N-centric, Closet references, Coming Out, Denial, First Love, Fluff, Lots of it, M/M, Pining, Smut, Sort Of, Texting, a bit of angst, honestly two idiots, i don't know how to tag, vivid imaginations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 05:18:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16486619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mellow_Park/pseuds/Mellow_Park
Summary: Hakyeon never wanted to come out of the closet but he also never thought he'd be stepping into one





	1. The light outside my closet

It was some performance, probably dream concert, maybe a special recording of a music show, he doesn't know but he knows there were people there. Many people, fans filled the venue and too many staff members were flitting through white hallways and about two dozen idol groups and singers, another hundred dancers, who's counting. VIXX is up in a bit, just one performance away but as always they're already backstage, early this time. The performance before them is by BTS, they managed to come even though their busy schedule should have killed them. VIXX and BTS weren't close but Ken and Jin were talking to one side because Jimin and Hyuk were being too loud on the other side. Hakyeon couldn't focus well. 

He was busy staring-  _looking_ , he reminds himself quickly, at the maknae of the group, Jeon Jungkook. Seven years younger than him and just looking way too good to be real. The staff was handing him something to drink and Hakyeon had moved to a quieter patch of space by a wall to look at him properly. BTS had some sort of special stage, it was probably supposed to be sexy, alluring, something they usually didn't do because they all seemed to feel awkward in whatever they were wearing. Jungkook semed bothered, a synthetic leather imitate, whatever it was it was black and shiny, sticking close to his body, sleeveless to show off his toned arms and tightly wrapped around his thick neck. It looked too tight, stretched just right over his broad chest before vanishing into equally tight black jeans. Hakyeon was no stranger to well built males, Taekwoon, Hyuk and Ravi took religious care of their bodies and he's seen Hongbin without a shirt more often than with one, but they are proud about it both on and off stage. Jungkook seemed shy, drinking quickly from his bottle before looking back down. He was biting his puffy, pink bottom lip, a light flush covering his cheeks and large brown eyes flitting around the space. He almost looked cute. Adorable really, which shouldn't have been possible in that outfit. 

The act before them, a girlgroup, new one, Hakyeon doesn't know, hurriedly leaves the stage and BTS gets on it though Hakyeon only really focuses on Jungkook. He's barely able to see the stage from back here but what he can see doesn't show much of them, not yet, not with the lights off and the atmosphere growing tense. "Please look here, N-ssi" Hakyeon doesn't look but leans forward a little so the short stylist can fix his hair and makeup since they're going up in a little over five minutes. 

Again, Hakyeon can barely see from where he stands, lightly stretches to the dirty beat of whatever song BTS was dancing to but what he did see left him positively speechless. He saw Jungkook, barely, had a better view of J-Hope really, rolling his hips in an almost sinful way and caught him turn, a glimpse of the expression he must have been having on for the crowd and it makes him a little weak in the knees. He curses under his breath and keeps watching, not even trying to hide it. 

Only when they leave stage again does Hakyeon move away, only now noticing that he'd been leaning onto the stairs up to the stage. Jungkook still has that expression, the innocent eyes from earlier dark and seductive as he takes a towel from the staff backstage. He's sweating, hair sticking to his forehead and the already tight material of his 'shirt' seemed even tighter, stretching with every deep breath and Hakyeon bit his lips. He should stop this. 

 

He's known for a long time, that he liked guys, was gay, a homosexual. Diseased, if you ask over half the country. He never came out to anyone. His family, friends, members, company, acquaintances, people online, nobody. It's not like he never tried though. 

It was in middle school when he first felt awkward about the entire thing. He was the only guy in his friend group that didn't think the girl in the next class over with long brown hair and a decently sized chest and long legs was indescribably hot. He wasn't interested, at least not in that sense, he thought the guy who sat at the front of  class was a lot cuter actually but he never said anything. When some idiot guys from class brought a magazine with NSFW pictures to class he didn't get any sort of feeling from it. He just thought it was bad to bring it to class, which it was, and he thought the girls were pretty, sexy even, but he didn't have a reaction to it. Not the same as his classmates, at least. 

He tested the waters with his family first. He's not stupid, he now knew that he was into guys but he also knew that he wasn't supposed to be. If he was going to come out then he'd have to tell his family first. He asked them, sometimes, a little subtly once he found an article online or heard something from school, what they thought about the whole thing. Guys with guys, girls with girls. People who didn't feel like a boy even though they were born as one and the other way around. "They're weird. It's kinda gross between guys really" His sister had said and then his dad gave a rant about all those cursed homosexuals and how they were sick and suddenly Hakyeon didn't want to come out of his closet anymore. 

He kept it a secret and it wasn't that bad. Once he stopped looking at it as hiding part of himself and more as it just being nobodies business it became easier to hide. Korea was not the worst place on earth to be gay in but society didn't look kindly on it. As long as you don't say you're gay nobody will make it a thing though because people never talk about it until you do. He still danced, danced a lot and sure, contemporary and ballet dance was 'for girls' but his family was proud that he was doing so well with it. When he wanted to be an idol they didn't say no. He wasn't gay for wanting to dance, he was just Hakyeon and for the longest time, that was fine. 

Living in a dorm with five other guys was probably supposed to be hard. They're attractive no doubt and very handsome and hot and Hakyeon won't deny that he has imagined doing very naughty things with them, but he's not a dog. He can keep it in his pants. They're good guys but they're also the complete opposite of whatever Hakyeon was looking for in a guy he'd consider dating. He didn't crush on them, never caught feelings and that's a good thing. He didn't feel any need to come out as well, they didn't talk about sexuality much and though he knows they wouldn't shun him for who he was attracted to there wasn't any need for them to know. 

Besides, coming out as gay when you're an idol is kind of a dick move. If fans knew things would go badly for them, specially since they're more popular in Japan which doesn't look on homosexuality too kindly either. People are better off with him not saying anything to anyone. As long as nobody knows no one will be able to tell a tale, spread a rumor, it's all fine. Things have been like this since forever. Fans enjoy the thought of their idols dating each other but reality is always different. He's good with fanservice because he's doing it for the fans. Sometimes it's awkward but even then it's awkward for everyone. He's not going to catch feelings because he almost kissed one of them, hell he won't catch them if they kiss either. Because love is different than desire. 

All of that somehow doesn't matter right now. Because even though Jungkook, and in turn BTS, had already left to their waiting room Hakyeon was still out of it. He had wanted to touch, to be touched, to be looked at just like that and called a slut and thrown onto the stage to be fucked for all of those people to see. He wanted to, but he can think about that tonight during a long shower, possibly a bath. Right now he has to perform and ignore the fact that he's half hard in his jeans, thankfully hidden by his longer shirt. 

 

The performance goes horridly bad. Actually it wasn't, they were doing well, Hakyeon always remembers his steps and expressions, he's got them down perfectly and can run them on autopilot but he could have been better. He was just as good as he always is but he knows that he could have been better if he had managed to focus. It's frustrating, incredibly so, but nobody says anything about it. Maybe the members don't know, didn't notice, maybe they just don't care. It doesn't matter anyways because Hakyeon needs to get over this bullshit right now. He's just horny. 

Once they're in the dorms he immediately excuses himself to the bathroom, calling dibs on the bathtub and nobody says anything about it. Hakyeon always takes long baths, at least once a week just to calm down, more when it's been a particularly stressful past days, so they don't have to say anything. He starts running warm water first, plugs up the bath and adds some sort of flowery scented oil into it before undressing. He tugs his shirt over his head slowly, imaging how it'd be if Jungkook came in with him. He doesn't know a lot about the younger but he knows enough to help him get a good image running. 

 _"Let me help you with that"_ the image tells him, voice a little low, quiet but certain and he lets the shirt fall onto the ground before undoing his belt, biting his lips. He's doing it slowly, imagining the feeling of lips kissing at his neck and hands on his waist, firm chest pressed to his back. Hakyeon takes a shaky breath and closes his eyes, let's the image become more vivid. He's always been like this, able to feel things if he imagined them well enough. He thought of fingertips moving up his sides onto his chest and got goosebumps, pinching his nipples and bites back a moan before pulling his pants down. They easily fall to the floor and he thanks himself for not going home in skinny jeans. He tugs off his underwear too and licks his lips, almost feels a hickey being sucked to his neck and something hard pressing right between his cheeks. 

 _"Such a tease"_ The voice almost sounds real, pieced together from all the times he's actually heard the kid talk and then a little more, a little something he desperately hopes for. Hakyeon steps into the bath, doesn't lean back and instead turns off the water. He curls a hand around his half hard dick, imagining a different hand on him instead. Jungkook would be teasing, loosely holding him and watching him squirm and slowly rock up into his hand for some sort of relief. There wouldn't be much talking, just a second hand playing with the pucker of his hole and Hakyeon sucks in a breath. He can't be loud. 

 _"Afraid to be heard?_ _"_  The image teases again and Hakyeon whines softly, nodding to himself. He sits up on his knees, slowly so the water doesn't move too much, and presses one hand against the tiled wall in front of him while the other circles his rim. Water is a shitty lubricant so he reaches for the oil again, pouring some onto his hand. The oil helps, makes it feel foreign as he pushes two fingers into himself, biting back a moan. Jungkook has thicker fingers than him, he knows, has looked at his hands a few times because he always does that. They're a bit shorter too, wouldn't be able to reach his sweet spot and he teases it, only barely pressing close to it. "P-please" He whispers and the image is back, Jungkook sitting up behind him, watching and slowly fingering him open. There's no talking, doesn't need to be, not when the pace increases and there's a third finger pressing inside. 

Things go fast from there, the fingers leaving him and replaced with the blunt head of a cock. It's good, feels real and Hakyeon moans quietly, still too scared of making any sound, being too loud, of taking too long. Jungkook pushes in slowly, carefully, easing the thick shaft inside and Hakyeon almost fucking sobs, wraps a hand around himself because he's so close already.  _"You look so pretty princess, love getting fucked don't you? Did you miss Daddy's cock?"_ Hakyeon nods, desperate at this point and Jungkook thrusts, slow but hard and so, so deep, reaching all the perfect places. He rocks his hips back, clenches around the intrusion and it's so good, too good, feels nice, so full. It doesn't take long for him to cum, biting the inside of his cheek as he cums into the water, his body shaking with the sheer force of it. 

The image vanishes as Hakyeon comes down from his high, breathing heavily and trying to find a sense of reality again because he doesn't think he's ever came that hard before. It takes him a few minutes before he decides that the water is gross and drains it, showering quickly before getting out. As he tugs on his bathrobe and places his clothes in the laundry basket he has the stupid suspicion that this wasn't the last time he did this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, welcome to the first multichapter fanfiction I intend to finish.   
> I don't know if anyone actually reads this things but I have a few things to say so I'll go do that now. Feel free to continue reading the next chapter if it's up or just closing this tab or whatever you're doing right now. 
> 
> Inspiration for this story comes from my desire to share the world I feel with other people. It's nothing mind blowing really, so don't expect anything. As you hopefully read in the chapter, Hakyeon is a closet person, someone who has not stepped outside of their closet yet. I am a closet person as well and the reason for that is as simple as it'd been in the chapter. Who I fuck is none of people's business and I don't see a reason as to why I should come out when nobody asks me about it. I'll never lie about my sexuality but I won't be the one to tell people about it. I dream of a world where such a thing as 'coming out' isn't necessary. Why bother really. It's just stressful. It's easier to not say anything unprompted, to go with the flow. Maybe I'm just scared. I'll talk more about that in future chapters. 
> 
> You might have noticed in the end that I kind of fucked up, writing Jungkook into this when he wasn't there and Hakyeon was getting off alone. No, there was no second person and no dick or dildo used. What I wrote is basically describing what I sometimes feel. I have a strong imagination. If I don't keep myself from daydreaming I'll be playing out a vivid movie in my head for literal hours. It doesn't influence my other senses but I can sense things when I imagine them vividly enough. Often it's a hand on my head or a warmth on my back because I like being touched like a cat but sometimes it's different. I'll feel like I'm on a boat, a small one, rocking with the waves, or on a ride in an amusement park. There'll be fingers between mine and sometimes even a voice in my head. I don't think it's dangerous or a mental illness since I can freely control it but it's something I haven't heard of other people experiencing. For masturbating it's great by the way because it actually feels like there's something like a dick spreading you open and it's amazing. 
> 
> It's a little hard to explain but I hope that makes any sense. Thanks for reading.


	2. Reaching out a hand

Hakyeons suspicions were rarely wrong and usually that fills him with a sense of pride. He likes being right about things, who doesn't. However, this particular thing, he wouldn't mind having been wrong about it. 

Over the course of the past week or so, Hakyeon feels like he has become a BTS sasaeng. No, he does not aggressively stalk the members because he knows how fucking horrible that is, but he can admit to having stalked their twitter page. He listened to all their songs from Debut to now in correct order and then Jungkooks covers. Then he watched Bangtan Bombs and other content BTS puts out there for people to see. Then fanmade content like compilations of adorable bunny baby Jungkookie or an AMV of sexy Jeon Jungkook. After almost a full month he feels like he knows everything about Jeon Jungkook that has ever been susceptible to the public eye. It's kind of terrifying really but he has a lot of free time. He isn't filming a drama at the moment and they're just having some down time after their last comeback. Usually he's watch anime, read manga, become an unproductive member of society, but now he's just complete and utter trash. 

And it's really fine. He can just assume this is a phase, feeling sexually attracted to Jungkook. He's hot and his character is pretty good and he might be developing a tiny crush but it's not anything serious. It'll pass in a bit of time and then he can return to his normal routine. Hakyeon has nothing to distract him after all seeing as he doesn't have Jungkooks number or any personal information to contact him with. He's fine. Things are peachy. 

Another two weeks later, ot5 VIXX is having an intervention and he's the topic, the source of everyones concern. He's been distant, they say. Closed off and holed up in his room. Obsessed with his computer, not eating well, sleeping badly, not showing up to practice and somehow still loosing weight. And after a few moments he notices that they're right. Because he hasn't slept for more than two hours these past two nights since he had to finish all three seasons of Bon Voyage and Hit the Stage. He also doesn't remember heading for dance practice. If he's being honest with himself he barely remembers his last shower and that says a lot of things. He's been a little obsessed with watching any content related to BTS and he'll shamelessly admit that it's because of Jeon Jungkook. 

He's adorable. Cute, funny, sweet, a little bratty, honest, caring, dedicated, kind, shy, innocent, handsome, childish, talented, forgiving, absolutely stunning, amazing, hot, sexy... Jungkook is almost every single good adjective people could throw out there and it's amazing. He's the closest to perfect a human being could ever get and Hakyeon loves it. Is a complete goner for it really and it's scary. 

Correction: Absolutely fucking terrifying. 

 He's an idol. Catching feelings is stupid and mean the end of his professional career but a guy? Liking a guy? Jeon Jungkook of all people?? The entire globe would go feral. He couldn't live with himself if he slipped up or told anyone that he had even mild interest in him. A guy liking a male idol group is rare enough but an idol being this crazy about another boygroup? Unheard of. Completely idiotic, even the concept is stupid and Hakyeon knows. He knows so well that he needs to stop it but he already knows he's falling and he's falling fast. 

A few days later, on a Saturday afternoon, Hakyeon goes to see a professional, a psychiatrist, a doctor. His members are concerned and Hakyeon has made the executive decision to not tell them about this dilemma or to come out to them, so he did as Taekwoon had asked him to and went to see someone just in case he was in a bad place mentally. He wasn't, of anything he was soaring between rose colored clouds when his imagination let him, but a promise is a promise. It's just an hour and the meeting is going well enough. To talk more freely about his past weeks Hakyeon changes up Jungkooks gender to a female and doesn't give a name. It's easier that way for some reason, because being this obsessed over a girl doesn't make him mentally ill or diseased, just creepy. He can deal with creepy though because he knows it's a little creepy. 

After that Hakyeon doesn't go see the doctor again but he does tell everyone to not worry about him. He makes conscious effort to get over his crush instead of rolling in any kind of content that showed Jungkook for as many as three seconds. He eats more to gain weight and comes back to practice regularly. he even starts up his English classes again and meets his trainer for skating practice. For a while it actually looks like Hakyeon has his life under control and he can just forget this ever happened. 

But Life is a bitch and things are never easy. 

BTS just  _had_ to win some award overseas and performed and  _of course_ it was all over the news and  _as always_ Jungkook just happened to be in the center of all the pictures they showed. Jungkook with his stupidly fluffy brown hair and those pretty brown eyes and that shy smile that seemed to get just a little bolder for the cameras. He looked adorable. Hakyeon felt the urge to hug and protect him and never let him go again. Sometimes he wonders, late at night when he can't sleep, when nobody is there to see, he wonders if maybe Jungkook was like him too. A closet person, not yet out because the pressure would be too much and because nobody actually asks that. What if they met up or if Hakyeon confessed and Jungkook actually didn't reject him? 

They'd have to hide it, of course. Telling anyone is a nono, fans and the companies can never find out. They'd never be free to be together like Hakyeon would want them to, hugging backstage or kisses when they meet on the way to a music show. Teasing remarks. It'd be impossible, dates would be impossible and they couldn't go anywhere but he'd be dating someone he likes, the guy he's crushing on and that somehow makes it seem bearable. 

Who knows, maybe when they're older, in their forties and long retired, they'll move to a more liberal country, preferably Canada or general central Europe. They could buy a small house in a village. Hakyeon would definitely work a regular job with a steady income and Jungkook could be a photographer or anything he wants to be really. They'd meet in time for dinner and cook together, maybe get takeout, and eat it while watching some stupid movie. Maybe they'd adopt kids, preferably two or three, the oldest a girl and youngest a boy if he could choose, preferably always more girls than boys. They'd surely get pets. Hakyeon would want a cat, a grey one or brown one and he'll call them either pepper or cinnamon and then a dog too, a husky mix of some sort, named Snowflake. It'd a lot of fun every day, just sitting on the couch cuddling or helping the kids out with their homework, walking the dog together.... They'd tell stories of how they used to be idols, famous and then talk about how they met, were up against all odds, two closet kids in a place that didn't want to accept that they existed. They'd kiss slowly, lovingly, and the children would run away because it's disgusting when their parents are kissing but that's okay. They'll fight too, obviously, but never get too angry, always clear everything up before going to bed together. If only. 

Hakyeon knows that he's already in too deep and the longer he lets himself fall the more does he not mind. Jungkook wouldn't tell on him for anything. They could just be friends. Hakyeon would prefer being friendzoned over being ignored for life. "Jaehwannie, can I ask you a favor?" He asks the younger over a 3am dinner (Breakfast?) as they binge watch some anime together. "Sure, go ahead" the answer is followed by the slurping of noodles and Hakyeon chuckles before picking up his own instant Ramen. "I need Jungkooks number. Can you ask Jin to give it to me?" He knows that the question is weird and probably needs explaining. He has no reason to want to contact Jungkook all of a sudden like this but Jaehwan doesn't ask. Instead he just hums and types out a text to Jin to ask for Jungkooks number or email. Needless to say, Hakyeon is really excited.  

Jaehwan texts him the number the next day along with a kakaotalk ID and Hakyeon decides to text him first. Texting is less awkward, more natural, seems closer and a lot easier. Jungkook must know that Jin has given his information to him, so he doesn't want to wait too long to text him. The fact that he doesn't know what to write still stands though. He doesn't want to come off weird, like he's flirting or anything. Not yet, at least. This is still awkward. 

**Me**

[Hey, Cha Hakyeon here. Jaehwan gave me your number, he got it from Seokjin. Sorry to text you so suddenly, you must be busy]  _sent, 16:23_

 

Hakyeon knows that Jungkook doesn't answer texts quickly or at all really. It's something he remembered from one of their interviews with Billboard and so he really doesn't expect an answer, at least not today. Getting a message back just a few minutes later was surprising

 

**JJK1997**

[It's okay Sunbaenim, please don't worry about it. Why did you want my number?]  _read, 16:31_

 

Okay, Hakyeon had not been prepared for this level of formality. Then again, it makes sense. Jungkook is a polite kid to people he doesn't know well and Hakyeon is significantly older than him. The age gap doesn't bother Hakyeon much and he hopes it won't bother Jungkook either. 

 

[People have been saying good things about you and to be completely honest you just seem like you'd be a great friend so I went for it :)]  _sent, 16:32_

[You can just call me hyung by the way, there's no need to be overly formal~]  _sent, 16:33_

[Lol, do I really? Thanks then, I try. I thought you were filming a drama, is okay to be texting?]  _read, 16:33_

 

A drama? He's gotten a spot in one a bit ago and the first reading of the script is tomorrow but he didn't think Jungkook of all people would know that. That's interesting. Just maybe Hakyeon can hope for a little bit to come out of this. 

 

[The reading is tomorrow and I'm already fully prepared so there's no need to worry! But how do you know about that?]  _sent, 16:34_

 

There's no reply for a while and after twenty minutes, Hakyeon gives up on thinking there will be any answer coming in. Jungkook is probably busy, maybe the question had thrown him off. This is bad. He's getting his hopes up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you stayed past the first chapter to read the end notes then I want to applaud you. I usually never read chapter notes or anything like that, specially lengthy ones, but if you do it then I guess I want to thank you for even bothering to keep on reading. I know the pairing is highly unusual and kinda stupid but I love those two to death and I have a habit of shipping biases so bear with me. 
> 
> Continuing from my first note, more personal stuff as to why I wrote this as I did:  
> If you live inside your closet then anything that can threaten you to come out of it is terrifying. Even as a normal person, I feel very much at home not needing to tell anyone about who I would like to have sex with. Of course, telling people on my own terms when I felt it necessary was a thing, but it was never like a full on coming out situation. 
> 
> When I was in 10th grade I fell really hard for my best friend. She was everything I wanted in a girlfriend and I waited for almost half a year to confess to her because I was afraid of how to go about it. Even if she didn't reject me, going into a same sex relationship as someone who's still not out is horrifying. With it comes the sudden need to tell everyone, specially close family, because I'm the style that is very touchy and open for PDA. Coming out to family, friends, my classmates, it was horrifying and more often than not I would cry just thinking about it. After all I lived my years feeling like it wasn't any ones business but when you actually try to make someone care about it it get's complicated. Me being technically not allowed to date anyways was also a thing. 
> 
> So for this chapter I channeled that and my rapid descend into the world of Kpop. I'm good at putting my thoughts into made up scenarios, long and elongated plays with me in the role of whoever I feel the need to be. Imagining myself as Hakyeon was almost scarring. Constantly thinking of a public image was giving me legit anxiety and I seriously considered just ending the story without Hakyeon ever even talking to Jungkook. I didn't though, because that's also part of an experience. I want to share what I saw and felt with you guys and I hope it worked somehow.


End file.
